In the gym, there’s a clear difference between training to be picked for a team and training because you already know you’re an athlete. The first is reactive: you measure yourself against an external standard and hope it’s enough. The second is self-led: you do the work because it’s yours.
Most ambitious women job search from the first mindset. They polish, perform, refine, and wait, hoping to be selected. Every silence from a recruiter or rejection from a hiring manager lands as a verdict on their worth. The search becomes an extended audition.
That same mindset is also what keeps women stuck in roles long after they’ve outgrown them. If your sense of worth is tied to being chosen, leaving the place that chose you feels like a free fall. I know, because I lived it. I stayed in a role far longer than I should have, burned out and depleted, because I’d become the most senior person in my function at that company and quietly convinced myself my skills wouldn’t transfer. Leaving felt like risking everything I’d built.
When I finally made the move, it was a lateral one—to a company whose culture and work genuinely aligned with who I was, not just what I’d accomplished. Within three months, I was promoted. Within a year, I’d grown in ways the previous environment couldn’t have allowed. The shift wasn’t about a better title; it was about searching from belief in myself rather than fear of losing what I had.
This column is about that shift—and how to job search from clarity instead of from the need to be picked.
Q: I’m unhappy in my current role. How do I know if I should leave or stick it out?
A: Most professionals frame this as a logistics question when it’s actually a diagnostic one. Before you decide, get honest about the impulse driving your consideration.
There’s a meaningful difference between leaving from pursuit and leaving from proving. Pursuit sounds like “I’ve outgrown this and I’m ready for what’s next.” Proving sounds like “I need a new title to feel like I’m still progressing.” Both can lead to a job change, but only one tends to lead to growth.
The same is true of staying. “This role still aligns with where I’m going” is staying from conviction. Staying from fear is saying, “I don’t know if I could do this anywhere else.” That second voice is the one that kept me in a depleting role longer than was healthy.
Ask yourself: if I weren’t worried about how leaving (or staying) would look, what would I actually want? The answer to that question is usually the real reason.
Q: AI is prescreening applications everywhere now. How do I stand out in my job search?
A: This is where the audition pattern is reinforced fastest. When the gatekeeper is invisible, our instinct is to perform harder for it—through keyword-stuffing, contorting your experience, or rewriting your résumé five different ways to please an algorithm.
That lens quietly trains you to optimize for the filter instead of the fit, and those filters change—roles that you were actually built for don’t. Self-led candidates approach AI screening differently. They:
› Write résumés that are clear, specific, and outcome-driven, using the language of the role and industry without abandoning their own voice.
› Use measurable impact rather than inflated verbs. “Scaled a regional team to global coverage across three continents” beats “spearheaded transformational growth initiatives.”
› Apply selectively to roles that actually fit, rather than blasting out applications and hoping the algorithm catches one.
The candidates who stand out aren’t the ones who “beat the system,” because they don’t need to. Their materials reflect a clear sense of who they are and what they do, and that clarity reads to both algorithms and humans.
“If your sense of worth is tied to being chosen, leaving the place that chose you feels like a free fall.”
Q: What are some signs a job posting may be too good to be true?
A: The more that you want a new job or role, the less you tend to scrutinize the details. That’s how strong professionals land in roles that check every box and yet still feel wrong within months.
A few patterns worth watching include:
› Vague scope, inflated title. A “Head of” or “VP” role with no clear team, specified budget, or mandate often means you’re being hired to figure it out without the authority to actually do so.
› Urgency that doesn’t match the role. Senior roles take time to fill well and typically require a number of internal interviews. If a company is rushing you through, ask what happened to the last person in the seat.
› Compensation significantly above market. Sometimes it’s a genuine premium, but more often it’s actually hazard pay for a role no one else wants.
› Reluctance to let you meet the team. You should be interviewing your future peers and direct reports as seriously as the company is interviewing you.
The strongest job seekers take the mindset of interviewing the company because they know they’re not just trying to get hired—they’re also trying to land somewhere they can grow.
Searching from Strength
Looking back, the only reason I was able to make the move that changed my career is because I stopped searching from the fear that I couldn’t replicate my success in a different environment. The lateral role I took wasn’t more impressive on paper—it was aligned, and that alignment is what made the growth possible.
Self-led job searching isn’t about being less ambitious. Rather, it’s about being less susceptible to the pull of being chosen. When you stop auditioning and start evaluating, you’re able to better identify the roles that fit you, and the people hiring for that role can sense that fit, too. Your next move—whether it’s a stretch role, a lateral one, or staying exactly where you are—then becomes a decision that you make rather than one that’s made for you.
Go Deeper on the Boys & Boardrooms Podcast
The pull to be chosen—romantically, professionally, relationally—is the central pattern explored on Andi’s new podcast, Boys & Boardrooms.
